I’m convinced that our sex lives have become mediocre, mundane, unsatisfying and problematic – because we we’re strangers to each other… or rather we’re afraid of being completely honest. We know that a healthy sex life can be instrumental in a healthy marriage (sometimes marital success depends on it), but why are we willing to go through countless arguments, petty irritations and monumental break-ups, just to avoid sorting this one problem out?
Men have such insecurity about performance and they won’t discuss it… They might come across as distant and only wanting to satisfy themselves with an Athens escort or Athens escorts, when really a lot of the time, they are embarrassed about their performance.
Women on the other hand, are usually eager to please at first, but months or even years of a “bad performance” will cause her to become withdrawn and awkward sexually. Trying to enjoy doing her part for her husband’s needs, she starts to become less and less enthusiastic about sex.
This vicious circle has a tendency to effect the relationship as a whole, and without the one simple key to any successful sex life, this will only get worse.
The Solution for Bad Sex
The key is communication, of course… and before you roll your eyes because you husband is “impossible to talk to about this stuff” – hear me out.
Men are often disappointed that their wives don’t want sex as often as they do… The truth is our Muslim sisters have been effected by modern ideas on feminism and men don’t like the idea of it. In a man’s eyes, she should be willing to do the things that are required of her… He goes out, works hard, supports her when she needs it, buys her as much as he can, etc… So he feels his right should be fulfilled – it’s not asking much in return… right?
Sex in Islam – Rights being fulfilled, or fulfilling Responsibilities?
Well, yes and no.. in an ideal situation, he should have his rights fulfilled – however, it’s incumbent on him to satisfy her, to show her affection, to laugh with her, spend time with her.. If these needs were being met, I assure you she would be willing to reciprocate sexually. Also, this modern world hasn’t brought about a woman’s sudden lack of interest in serving her husband’s sexual needs.
If we’re going to be comparing the wives in our community with those who came before them in our religion, then it’s only fair to compare the men too, and I think we’ll find that the women were happy to indulge in sex with their husbands BECAUSE their husband’s were fulfilling their needs too.
When I say that a man would work, pay, support, strive, etc… for his wife, I mean it. Men are hard-wired to please their wives (as women are for men). He wants you to have the best you can have and the only thing that sometimes can be the crutch in all that, is the sex. He’s not meaning to seem to just please himself and roll over.. he’s usually embarrassed and could really do with some pointers.
This may seem a little harsh on men… I don’t mean it that way. I’m convinced that a poor performer in the bedroom, doesn’t have to stay that way.. Men can play to their strengths. Personally I know from working in a clinical environment, that there are two main reasons for complaints regarding the sexual health of men.
The first is premature ejaculation and the second is erectile dysfunction. These are NOT permanent problems and most of the time, the premature ejaculation is normal sexual function, but men tend to rush everything from foreplay to penetration… So naturally, the premature orgasm is a result of this. If a man learns to take his time he will either naturally last longer, or his wife would have had an orgasm before penetration. It’s a win-win!
Sex Tip for Muslim Wives
So how does a wife approach this subject without further damaging her husband’s ego?
This is a particularly sensitive topic, so handle with care. Never be demanding about this or seem unsatisfied..
Rather try to initiate sex with him and when he reciprocates, start telling him what feels good… tell him what you enjoy. It’s important that these are things he’s already doing, so when something feels good and he moves on from there, say “don’t stop” and push his hand back there… This is what I mean by letting him know.
Once you’ve told him a few things and he’s responded to them, only then you should start to take control of the situation. Guide his hand with yours, keep telling him and confirming the positives. If he tries to speed things up, gently let him know not yet. Keep using his hand to satisfy you and don’t be afraid to move it around, he will love it. He will learn about friction, pressure, pace.. subconsciously he will also be able to gauge your responses, drawing a mind-map of sorts as to what really gets you going.
I’ll leave the rest to your imagination… but it’s important that you reach orgasm before you take care of his needs.
The strange thing about men is that if you sat him down and said that you’re not being satisfied in bed, he would react badly.. If you were caught up in the moment or at least seemed to be caught up and had nothing in mind, but then started to tell him what to do or show him what to do, he would accept that without hesitation.. You see, his ego will still convince him that he’s bringing about this surge in you and he will take your advice (if it’s given correctly during foreplay or sex) as excitement, rather than a correction on his talents. Women can use this to their advantage.
Once the confidence is there from both the husband and the wife, then there’s no satisfaction you won’t be able to achieve. You’ll both be open to more communication and those petty fights and irritations will seem so much less significant.
The honesty that comes from an open attitude in the bedroom, is something that is so hugely important. It breaks down barriers as vulnerability is turned into sincere care and love.
If we are to get this back, I’m convinced our families would be stronger for it.
What I have suggested is the first small step, of course. More in due time. In the meantime, if you need any further suggestions, just ask.